John McCain: 5 Things You Need to Know
I just received a startling news revelation that there is a person running for president not named Obama or Clinton!
YES, John McCain is not a myth. He is real. And with all the crazy infighting between the Dems going on — I’d be surprised if this thing gets settled in a way that does not involve mudwrestling or a contest to see who can tell the best yo-mama joke — this McCain character actually stands a chance in a general election. Which means that we need some dirt on this dude to find out what he’s all about.
And what better source than the amazing Jon Stewart? With his assistance I will begin my McCain bashing, as it is never too early to sully the reputation of a future adversary. Stewart’s McCain highlights on a recent episode of the Daily Show include the following juicy tidbits, along with my own ruminations:
◊ McCain does NOT wear an American Flag lapel pin! What gives? Nazi bastard.
◊ McCain cares deeply about civil rights and plans on being a pillar of the black community. This is evidenced by the fact that he recently went to Selma, Alabama, home of the landmark civil rights march, for a speaking engagement about civil rights….in front of a crowd composed almost exclusively of white middle class citizens. He was also later seen standing next to a black woman singing in a church, with an awkward smile and an alarmingly sweaty brow. This man obviously loves black people. He also has firmly stated that slavery was probably a bad thing and that he has seen the entire Roots mini-series, twice. Now that is impressive.
Personally, I’m not buying it. You wanna see how he really feels? Let’s see what happens when his daughter Meghan comes home one day with a big black dude she met at a G-Unit concert. My guess is that Papa McCain’s 71 year old heart skips more than a few beats.
◊ 71. Jesus. There is a minimum age for presidential candidates, so why cant there be a maximum? This dude was born in the 30’s. I’m afraid he might randomly enforce a food ration in anticipation of the next Great Depression (which, judging by the current value of the dollar, we might already be in).
◊ McCain has a Reverend even crazier than Obama’s! That is quite an accomplishment. Actually, Rev. John Hagee is not McCain’s Pastor but is a prominent one who’s support was sought after by the McCain Campaign. Hagee has been quoted as calling American Muslims disloyal, and thinks Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment against New Orleans for being the Sin City of the south. The difference here is that McCain totally stands by the endorsement from this jerk. How can he do this, but then also go on record as saying that Katrina was a terrible disaster that deserved much more attention and government assistance than it received? How can he be proud of this endorsement?
What if he’s not a nice leprechaun that helps you find gold and marshmellowy cereal but an evil leprechaun like from the movie Leprechaun with Jennifer Aniston! This possibility can’t be ignored.
Lucky Charms my ass. You’re going down, McCain.