Archive for the ‘Sports’ category

Sinking stocks, surging Giants, and pregnant teen agers = My September

September 22, 2008

Sorry for the hiccup in posts, I know that once a month posts do not a blog make.  It’s just that I’ve been real busy with a few minor issues…namely THE COLLAPSE OF THE AMERICAN FINANCIAL INDUSTRY (and the subsequent collapse of my bonus for the year) as well as violence in the [my] motherland.  So blogging took a backseat for a while. 

There have been some positives during the last month though.  FOOTBALL SEASON has arrived to save my Sundays until January.  And the defending champion NY GIANTS are off to a 3-0 start. [Tho I have to say I’m really pissed that Monday Night Football is on ESPN and not a public channel.  For cheap non-cable having bastards like me that is a huge blow.  The weekly showcases should always be on public TV.  I’m really sick of the big leagues selling out to the cable networks.]

I’ve also been real busy planning my trip to Turkey which is coming up in 2 weeks!! I’m so excited.

And I just can’t hide it.

………………………………..

AND I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I WANT YOU [shut up it’s a fun song]

After my insane previous experience with it I am actually asking for more punishment by trying to rent out my apartment again.  I put an ad up and got the typical idiotic responses from people saying things like, “Looks good.  I take apartment.  You said only available in October.  I need for November to February.  Where can I sign.  Take check?”

I got another hit from a chick who I soon discovered was a 16 year old girl traveling internationally on her own but meeting friends here..code for ” if you give me the keys to your apartment I will turn it into the set of the newest lifetime movie entitled The Young and the Pregnant.  No thanks sweetie.     Not in my bed, Suzie.

But I’m talking now to an older couple who seem pretty legit, so wish me luck.

PS  I’ll try to blog more often by making the posts shorter and more content-specific, so as to keep you fiends off my back about being lazy.

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The holy-crap-its-already-August Round Up

August 4, 2008

The summer is flyin by, and I’m not happy.  Gotta make the most of it while we can, folks.  Ive been trying to, but that’s only part of the reason why Ive been seriously slacking with the posts…believe it or not, Ive actually been busting my ass at work.  Despite my best efforts to evade acknowledgment and remain anonymous in all aspects of the company other than the payroll, word got out that I actually exist and have the capacity to tackle a larger workload.  Sons of bitches…

Here’s another patented ramble to update you on my life, and ruminations on everything relevant (to me) outside of it:

•Just back from a weekend down on the Jersey Shore, where I stayed at my friends awesome beach house.  Saturday was a fucking monsoon and I got kicked out of the water because the sissy lifeguards were afraid of the raging lightening.  Wimps.  Sunday made up for it though…started the day early and got in plenty of sun, and my arabian skin did great under the pressure (I only used SPF 8 sunblock).  Came back to work today lookin extra crispy, wearing white to accentuate the contrast, which made all the home-bodies in my office hate my guts.  Mission accomplished.

•Reading Things Fall Apart right now.  It was assigned in college but I Sparknote’d that biatch.  My friend Andrew gave me a spare copy and I thought I should actually read it, being it’s a classic and I haven’t read any other books set in Africa.  More to come on this.  No spoilers, please.

•I lost my phone in a  taxi after it fell out my pocket.  No one called or tried to return it.  I hate that.  Ive found phones before and went to crazy lengths to get it back to the owner.  Feels pretty crappy, cuz I know someone found it…  Ah well, I have insurance cuz I know I always lose or damage my phones; the list is pretty impressive.  I’ve dropped a phone down a sewer grate, in the toilet, in four feet of snow and couldnt find it, one fell on the street and got ran over by a truck…I could go on for a while.  That’s why I am the only person in the world who has no interest in an iPhone…I know Im gonna lose that shit in a week.  Not much of a gadget person anyway…long as I can make a phone call and it’s smaller than the one Zack Morris used to pull out of his ass in Saved By the Bell,  then I’m all good.

•SPORTS. Ok, plenty of quick thought, cuz each is deserving of it’s own post…  Brett Favre is a selfish bastard and the Packers are assholes for now declaring that he can compete for the starting QB job, after all this freaking talk about being committed to Aaron Rodgers.  They totally gave in to this drama queen.  They drafted Brian Brohm because Favre said for the 716th time that he was definitely hanging up his helmet.  He put the Packers in such a bad spot, and for that reason alone they shouldve had the stones to move on.  Federer is losing his #1 ranking, but is still the best player in the world.  I think he’s gonna bounce back in a big way, and people are nuts for prematurely predicting his demise.  Manny to the Dodgers is good for both teams. He is gonna play great there (a motivated Manny is the most dangerous hitter in the league), and the Red Sox dont deserve the negative backlash theyve gotten since the trade.  That team won 2 championships because of team chemistry, and Manny gave up on them and called out management on a daily basis.  Francona is the best skipper in the league and he needs respect from everyone in his clubhouse.  They gave up a lot, but in getting Jason Bay and ridding themselves of a clubhouse cancer, theyre a contender that will only get better.  Team USA basketball is looking great in their tuneups, and D-Wade is STRAIGHT UP NASTY.  Do not sleep on this man!!  He lost some luster in the eyes of many the last two years because of serious injuries, but somehow he looks more explosive than ever and has been their #1 highlight reel so far (and he’s a only sixth man).  I’m not afraid to say it: USA Basketball is gonna dominate the Olympics.  Write it down, bitches.  Ron Artest to the Rockets?  I’d be lying if I said I’m sure it’s gonna work, because Artest truly does deserve his rep as a headcase.  But the conditions are as good as they can be, as he’s playing for a coach who he actually respects, in a system he can benefit from, will be asked to contribute offensively and handle the ball at times, which will make him happy since he’s always clamoring about not being utilized offensively, and Shane Battier can come off the bench as a top sixth man who can play multiple positions.  The Rockets are my fav team after the Knicks, and, if by some strange turn of events the Knicks do not win a championship this year, I want the Rockets to go all the way.  T-Mac is too damn good to never get out of the first round. 

•McCain is a dirty bastard and his attack ads are ridiculous.  Trying to knock Obama as a leader by comparing calling him a celebrity in the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears?  That shit is weak.

What a loser.  Later y’all.

Making Sense of the NBA Off-Season

July 14, 2008

First off, sorry for the hiatus…life has been hectic.  But no matter how busy things get, Ive always got a finger on the pulse of the sports world, especially the part of it that interest me most: the NBA.

Its hard for me to write about sports in a coherent way, because I get excited and have too many thoughts about the same topic.  So, here goes:

The Clippers have to be bummed about losing Elton Brand, big time.  Sterling was trying to shake his image as the tight-wad owner by signing Baron Davis to a big deal (though impressively shrewd), and after he did that no one thought Brand would seriously give up the chance to play with a top PG.  Brand didnt even really get more money than what was offered.  I understand business is business and Brand has to look out for himself, but Im disappointed by how he handled this because since he got the same money than LA was willing to give him, he must have had other reasons for leaving for Philly, probably cuz it was a competitive playoff squad last year without him and figures to be a conference contender with him…but i think he went out his way to make the Clips think he was gonna resign and encouraged them to sign another player who he could contend with in LA, and after they did what he asked for, he still bolted.  I’m not hating him for playin the game, but when he does youve got to call him a playa. Maybe Im biased cuz now Philly is gonna dominate the division that my beloved Knicks will serve as a doormat to.

Yes, Philly will dominate the Atlantic because Toronto is overrated and NJ is in it for the green, not the gold.  The Toronto trade of a TJ Ford, one half of the most productive PG platoon in the league for a broken and beat up Jermaine ONeal who is making something like $42 million the next 2 years alone is not a good deal.  TJ Ford is agreat player and they couldve gotten more for him.  If ONeal returns to full strength and plays the defense he was playing a few years ago, then the trade will have been a good one, but I think that it way too improbable for the Raptors to bank on.  

NJ traded Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlin for the SOLE pourpose of cashing in on his popularity in his native country of China and opening up the market in order to lure LeBron in 2 years.  Pitiful.  So now they have Yi, no Jason Kidd, no RJ, and a player in Vince Carter who will be in the first year of a rich multi-year contract…oh yea, he’ll play with tONS of trademark tenacity.  They have some decent rookies but they are still gonna stink it up for a while.

I like Washington giving Arenas his money because you never have to worry about his motivation to play hard — he’s too cocky to let his rep suffer.  To think…Rashard Lewis got a contract worth $15 million more than Arenas.  That is nuts.

Bur Lewis’ Orlando squad was good last year and will be better with newly signed and underrated Mickael Pietrus, who can guard the perimeter and shoot the 3-ball.

Dallas gave Dasagna Diop something like $30 million to resign with them. ¿¿¿WTF???  The dude does nothing but block a shot or 2 a game and he gets $30 million? I dont get that. Nor do I understand the Bucks giving Andrew Bogut $72.5 million (!) to stay in Milwaukee, and then trade Yi and his Chinese fan base for Jefferson only to then draft Joe Alexander, who plays the same position.  They shouldve saved 72 million by letting Bogut go, drafted Brooke Lopez who was the top center prospect in the draft but gets paid rookie money, an then put themselves in position to be a major player in free agency with all that money and a promising young core of Michael Redd, Jefferson, Lopez, Mo Williams, Charlie Villanueva and Charlie Bell.  Tell me they couldnt have gotten a top free agent to join that squad!  They couldve signed Emeka Okafor who is a top defensive center (perfect for coach Scott Skiles and the new defense oriented style he will surely implement) for way less than 72 million.  This is maddening to me.

Golden State losing out on Davis and Brand has to hurt, and no, signing Corey Maggette does not ease the pain.  I like him as a scorer because he gets to the line (hes insane at drawing fouls. In a  healthy season most fans would be surprised to learn that Maggette gets to the line more than almost any other player in the league — 3rd most in 06-07) which puts a lot of pressure on the opposing defense and makes things easier on his teammates, who can be more aggressive against defenders in foul trouble or a team in the penalty.  But he’s not a facilitator, he needs the ball in his hands and doesnt make much of a difference on defense.  He could be a great complimentary player, to say, Elton Brand..or..Baron Davis. Yes Warriors fans, it’s time to worry.  At least they seem committed to keeping Monta Ellis, who is restricted and crazy talented, but theyre gonna end up overpaying Andris Biedrins big time so they can have at least one decent big man in the lineup.  Im not so crazy about Chris Mullin’s personnel moves, I gotta say. 

As for the Clips, who knows what to expect.  I dont think theyll make the playoffs next season with the lineup they have.  GS didnt make it last year and they had a better and more cohesive lineup than LA has this year..so far at least.  Al Thornton will continue to impress, Kaman is a good 5 and Davis is nasty when healthy, but that he played 82 games in his contract year does not mean that he will go the distance again now that he has a brand new contract and is closer to his Hollywood homies trying to convince him to focus on his film production company (Davis is a member of the screen actors guild).  I think the Clips are back to being the Clips that we know and love to not care about.

Not basing this on the one preseason game he played, I think Beasely is gonna make a loT of people feel stupid for saying he did not deserve to be picked first in this year’s draft.  That kid has something to prove but wont even be the 3rd best player on his team, so the spotlight is not on him and he can just play the game.  Rookie of the Year, write that shit down.

As for my beloved Knicks, it’s too early to write a seaon preview but I like the Gallinari draft, I guess, kinda sorta, because the obviously better players were off the board, the other impressive talents did not fit team needs at all (Jerryd Bayless), and Gallinari isnt the typical young European “project”.  This kid has been a star in very competitive and heavily scouted European leagues, already knows how to play the game, has guts and size and shooting skills, and most importantly, if there is anyone who is qualified enough to determine whether or not a Euro league player can make the transition to the NBA, its Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. 

If Gallinari develops, D’Antoni can work his offensive magic to get Curry and Randolph to be productive, and the Knicks do something smart with the many, many millions coming off the books this year, NYK can compete for a low playoff seed while working it’s way out of the tangled mess known as Isiah Thomas’ legacy.  After 7 years of ineptitude, I am a humble and patient man.

Catch a glimpse of Gallinari in action here:

Isiah Thomas Replaced, and Now My Dog Won’t Die

April 2, 2008

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After 5+ years of doing everything in his power to DESTROY BASKETBALL IN NEW YORK, Isiah Thomas’ reign of darkness as general manager of the Knicks is finally over. Holy crap that feels good to say.  The Knicks are and always will be my favorite sports team, and I have stuck with them through thick and thin, but this season in particular has been the greatest test of loyalty I have ever faced in my 14 years as a Knicks fan.  Not only are the Knicks on their way to the first 60-loss season in the history in their storied history, but the amount of  embarrassments suffered by members of the organization on and off the court this year has greatly contributed to an atmosphere in Knicks-Universe that can be described only as PUTRID.  Putrid as in a dead dog carcass infested with colonies of maggots that you walk by on the side of the road but smelled the block before, and upon passing realized it was your dog.  Now imagine that instead of the carcass being on the side of the road so that you can simply hold your breath and walk by it, the carcass is in the middle of a 5×5 concrete cell that you are locked into, seemingly with no hope of escape.  Now imagine that a crazy inmate breaks free from his cell and pulls the latch that opens all the cells in the prison complex that your cell is in.  Your gate opens, and you thrust yourself towards the exit in one great leap..but then you stop short behind the the steel gate and latch onto the bars, unconsciously clinching them with all of your might, your body trembling as you try to come to terms with the decision your heart has already made for you…that you love that God-forsaken dog and you would never leave it, even though you could, even though the other selfish opportunistic inmates encourage you to do so and chide you as a fool for not running away and being a Nets fan while you had the chance.  Then they all run away, leaving you to wallow in your misery, knowing that, open gates or not, you never seriously thought about trying to escape…but then suddenly you close your eyes and push back the tears that have welled up by remembering that you never really wanted to, because you LOVE that freaking dog. You love it, Goddamit, and you don’t care who knows it, and it may stink all to be damned and make your skin crawl at the very sight of it, but you still can’t imagine yourself going anywhere without it.

Well, the Knicks were that dog, and I, along with the 12 other true DIEHARD Knicks fans remaining in the world, was that inmate.  The other inmates encouraging you to leave were the parasitic band-wagon-jumping fake Knicks fans who double as your friends in between games. Isiah Thomas was the flesh eating virus that was tearing the dog apart. Jim Dolan, the idiot owner of the Knicks, was the evil corrupted psycho veterinarian that injected the virus into the dog, and gave the virus a CONTRACT EXTENSION last year so that it could do even more damage. isiah-spoof.jpg

I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about Donnie Walsh, Thomas’ replacement, by hailing him as some kind of messiah who can resurrect the Knicks from the dead… I dunno, maybe he’ll be like the blonde cheerleader from Heroes who has the ability to heal herself, and Donnie could give the Knicks some of his super-healing blood and help resuscitate the franchise (I think that’s a more fair comparison..the cheerleader is pretty, but I still think Jesus is more impressive – raising the dead ain’t as easy as it sounds).

heroes-cheerleader1.jpgjesus-saves.jpg

Here is a very quick completely unresearched regurgitation of why Isiah Thomas was the most horrible GM in the history not just of GMs but rather in the history of all living organisms:

-the Jared Jeffries contract

-the Malik Rose trade

-the Tim Thomas trade (KVH had less years left..i think)

-being the only GM in the NBA dumb enough to trade for Jalen Rose, giving up a huge expiring contract in the process, only to promptly WAIVE HIM and eat almost the entire contract when it itself was about to expire and provide a huge trading chip (!!!!!)

-acquiring Marbury and Hardaway only cuz Thomas saw himself in Marbury…then trading the HUGE expiring contract of Penny Hardaway for STEVE FRANCIS’ HUGE contract…then later trading Steve Francis’ HUGE EXPIRING contract for Zach Randolph’s HUGE long-term contract (!!!!)

-giving up great draft pics for Eddy Curry, who Isiah doesn’t even give minutes to anymore

-Hiring Larry Brown and giving him the richest coaching contract in the NBA. He was terrible fit for the Knicks and for Thomas, as Brown has a short fuse and needed to have total roster control, which Thomas would never be willing to relinquish, and subsequently firing Brown for a bullshit contract violation and but paying him most of the money anyway, as ruled by an arbitrator.

-The Anucha Brown Sanders sexual harassment trial (“all I did was put my arms around her and ask her for a kiss, and then she pushed me away and I said, what ‘Nuche, no love?”  What a jerk.)

-the planned attack on Carmelo Anthony that resulted in a brawl and several lengthy suspensions.  It was symbolic of Thomas’ dirty style of play as a former player the lack of integrity he exhibits as a person, and set a horrible example for a team loaded with rookies who worshipped him.

-the JEROME JAMES signing. (I just threw up a little)

jerome-james.jpg Stop staring at me, you slow, chunky bastard.

 The crazy thing is I probably forgot at least 10 other huge bonehead moves.  Donnie Walsh will exhibit the fiscal responsibility Thomas had absolutely no regard for and implement a long-term, team-oriented philosophy rather than go after the biggest name on the market every season.  And unless Jim Dolan gets in the way, Walsh will also relieve Thomas of his responsibilities as coach of the Knicks, and then file a restraining order stating that Isiah Thomas must remain at a distance from the Knicks that is no closer to New York than the great sovereign nation of Tibet, in the hopes that Thomas will not know that Tibet is not a sovereign nation and will thus wander in search of it even farther east and into China, where he will ask a Chinese politician for directions to the great sovereign nation of Tibet and subsequently be arrested and subjected to Chinese Water Torture (this video is funny because I think having to hang out with those girls is actually worse than real Chinese Water Torture), and since the media in China is censored it will never make it onto Google and the world will forget about Thomas and years he tried to destroy the Knicks.

I think I just saw my dog open his eyes.  

I am proud to say that I stayed behind to be there when it did.

Let’s go Knicks!

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Bracketology Bullsh*t and the REAL March Madness

March 19, 2008

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Freak College BBall and filling out brackets you stole from your favorite sportswriter (with a few tweaks of your own based on teams whose jersey colors you like the most).  College sports aren’t intimate enough.  Weird schools Ive never heard of with names like Texas Christian Southern Baptist Marxist or Western South Dakota or George Winthrop Davidson Billy Bob Bubba Mason or Sacred Heart of our Father and Mother and Baby Mama and cousin RayRay or American Eagles  (I think their mascot’s name is Abercrombie) are far too meddlesome and keep me from caring about sports at that level.  College sports were created so that students at schools with campuses way out in the boondocks can have something to channel their energy into other than weed, cocaine, fornication, drunk driving, frat hazing, cow tipping, and quad streaking – basically, to prevent Old School from being the school’s official recruitment video.  Follow it if you have nothing better to do, but know this: it does not compare to the NBA playoff chase. 

The Western conference playoff chase is one of the closest ever, where only a handful of games separate the top seed from the bottom seed, where every game has huge playoff implications – we’re not talking about positioning here, we’re talking about a team finishing more than 10 games above .500 and not even in the damn thing.  That’s not even mentioning the fact that so many of the huge powerhouse matchups this month have featured top teams that were part of recent blockbuster trades, either by sending out key pieces for aging superstars and praying to God that they won’t end up in the geriatric ward before the end of the season (Mavs, Suns), or by extorting a rival GM with a naked picture of his wife in the backseat of Stephon Marbury’s jeep in order to get him to send over his team’s best player in exchange for garbage (Lakers – that is the only viable explanation for the Pau Gasol trade).  That adds a huge dimension of drama to these already meaningful games, as all of these trades were made for one reason – to turn already good teams into title contenders.  Out east you have Boston (which did its superstar shopping in the offseason) and Detroit making legitimate claims to be the best team in the league, Philly refusing to rebuild and making noise with a cast of spare parts (but winning against some quality teams on the way), Orlando widening the gap up top on the watermelon-lookin shoulders of Dwight the beast Howard, and of course BronBron putting up intergalactic numbers to keep his team in the pack.  Throw in the Houston Rockets and their amazing and recently ended (more like murdered) 22-game win streak (second all-time in league history); AI going back to the franchise he [re]BUILT in Philly to battle the feisty Sixers and the other AI; Glen Taylor, owner of the worst team of the league, calling out KG now that he left to play for the best team in the league; and the Kobe/LeBron/Chris Paul/T-Mac/Jamal Crawford MVP race (Crawford plays 53 minutes a game for the Knicks, and there are only 48 minutes in the game. that’s value.), and NCAA sports just can’t match this type of drama…this type of MADNESS.

Youtube bonanza!!! Hilarious Clips

March 11, 2008

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As some of you may know, I update this blog while at work, where I am usually bored out of my mind.  I send constant emails to my friends who are also bored out of their minds at their desk jobs.   One thing we often do is scour youtube for funny clips and then send them to each other.  I can’t believe I haven’t shared these  yet… I think youtube is by far the best website to browse at while bored at work, and giving you all something to help pass the time while sitting at your desk and waiting for the little hand to hit the 5 is the foundation that this blog was founded upon!  YES-WE-CAN! 

OK, so I have sifted through my work email archives and pulled out the youtube links for your viewing pleasure.   Shout to Guillermo for finding a bunch of these.  Enjoy!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

TRACY MORGAN LIVE INTERVIEW #1.  Wow he is insane and hilarious and more insane (“Wow I’m good lookin, no wonder I got so many kids.”)

TRACY MORGAN INTERVIEW #2.  “you askin me how many kids I have? on the books or off?”

Tracy Morgan’s tips on how to be black.  “You ever got a female pregnant when you was like..7?” (*a personal favorite*)

Spelling Bee champ interview: WOW this kid’s parents should be arrested for raising a malcontent antisocial know-it-all asshole. 

Jamie Foxx [basically] committing murder!  This is funny but painful.

Flava Flav roast! featuring Lisa Lampanelli, who is one dirty biatch.  Funny but vulgar!

Pam Anderson roast, again featuring Lampanelli, aka “the reason why Italian men beat their wives.”

Alfonso Ribeiro dance instructional video! His finest work, pre-Carlton.

Mike Tyson interview compilation.  “I like to fornicate more than others so what? I’m da best eva…I’m rufless!”

Jesse Spano is so excited!  The infamous scene that defined a generation.

Human Tetris!  The real thing is so much better…and funnier.

Stephon Marbury on drugs interview.  “I think ima average 10 points, 12-13 dimes, 2-3 assists…[phone rings] oops thats my wife, my better half, my better ho.” [Wow. Steph writes the book on how to do an interview while high.  Tracy Morgan looks like a freaking scholar compared to Steph here.  As a Knicks fan this is actually painful to watch. To most other people who don’t like torturing themselves, it is hilarious. Steph’s explanation for his interview is here…]

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK…each other.  This is long and not funny but crAzy and you have to watch until the end.  You can’t write this stuff.

Saved the best for last — behold, the evil eye baby!  

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The Great Debate – Golf a sport?

February 29, 2008

I was at the gym a few days ago watching sportscenter while running on the treadmill [ok, walking.  but fast walking, and on a steep incline.  I hate running.]  Anyway, they were showing highlights of Tiger Woods’ latest victory and then began a brief discussion centered around this question:  who was the more dominant athlete — MJ or Tiger? 

Let’s just put this shit to rest once and for all.  GOLF IS NOT A SPORT – it is  GAME.  You know, as in ping pong, billards, bowling, checkers, monopoly, parcheesi, GOLF.  The reasons for this are many, but the way I see it, if all those tubby bastards who can’t bend over low enough to tie their shoelaces can go out and dominate with a cigar in their mouths the whole time, it’s not a sport.   There has to be a certain level of exertion involved…isn’t that what makes someone an athlete? I mean damn, I sweat more on the can after eating Mexican food then Tiger does to win a week-long golf tournament.  Granted, I apply hot sauce generously to my chicken quesadillas, but still, that disparity doesn’t sit well with me [pun intended]. 

golf-fat.jpg OK, I take it back..this guy probably does a whole lot of sweating playing golf.

And for those of you hypersensitive plaid-loving golf afficionados who take offense to my athletic taxonomy (a condtion known as the Country-Club Conundrum), understand that I am neither trivializing the game nor questioning the amount of skill it requires; and I am certainly not alone in this classification.

Bottom line, unless Tiger Woods is a UFC fighter on the weekends, the “debate” over his dominance as an athlete is over before it even begins.

golf-old.jpg She finished a close second to Tiger at the Buick Invitational.  Ok she didnt, but she could have.  The chick wears diapers and could still be a terrific golf player. Case closed.