Posted tagged ‘dogs’

5 Effective and (mostly) Safe Ways to VENT

June 20, 2008

Here are my favorite ways to safely vent when something really pisses me off or when Im just having an all around shitty day:

1- Curse.  Thats the beauty of curses — they are words that have a strong meaning, but theyre still just words.  Observe: “Hey dude, FUCK YOU!”  See?  I expressed my rage, but I dont really wanna fuck the dude in question. And I put so much effort into the expressive FUCK YOU pose that I actually let off some steam there.  Just dont curse out someone bigger than you…then it would cease being safe.

2- WORK OUT.  When I started working for a big financial firm my brother advised me:  “When you get stressed out, dont start using heroine, like most of your coworkers.  Just go to the gym and take all the stress and channel it into your workout.”  Seriously, Ive reached new limits at the gym by going when Im really pissed, and Im on the road to dieselness as a result.  Thanks for making me work last Saturday, douche bag boss.  Im gonna turn that into washboard abs, get really sexy, and screw your wife.

 “Yea, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and work this weekend, mmkaay? That’d be greAaat.”  This dude will have you cleaning out your ab lines with a Q-tip in no time.

3- Call your best friend and ramble in a really loud voice about everything thats stressing you out.  A good best friend will let you do 95% of the talking, interjecting only occasionally to express understanding or empathetic rage (e.g. “What, she really did that?? Youre right, she is a fucking whore!”).  Keep going until youre exhausted and youll find yourself able to conclude the call by saying, yea this fuckin sucks but, whatever dude, I guess shit happens.  And isnt that the goal of venting?  I think it is.

4- WRITE.  I was gonna include this as a variation of #3 because writing can be a form of rambling, but writing is different in a way because it takes longer and, most importantly, it’s tangible.  You can see what youve written, read it over, and edit it.  Editing it is really important because it can be a slow process, and reviewing your rambled writing really forces you to think conscientiously about what youre feeling.  Taking care to memorialize your thoughts can be incredibly therapeutic.  The final draft often coincides with a feeling of closure, and you can move on after that.   Blogs are a great option. Some prefer writing with their own blood on the doors of people that broke their hearts.  Either works fine.  (Crap I forgot that these are supposed to be safe ways…that’s really limiting.  Ok…use fake blood…or ketchup. But trust me, it’s not as effective.)

5- CHOKE A PUPPY.  Preferably a small one.  A poodle perhaps.  YES!…Im just imagining myself walking in the ritzy Upper East Side and jumping one of those filthy rich snooty ladies, pulling the pure bred groomed poodle out of her $2000 leather bag and choking it until its tail stops wagging.  Wow thats already cheering me up, and Im not even stressed out! This method IS safe (for you, not the puppy) as long as the poodle doesnt have sharp teeth and the lady doesnt have pepper-spray.

Ok FINE #5 is not a good way to vent, but I forgot what #5 was supposed to be and I cant remember for the life of me. 

Im open to suggestions.

Isiah Thomas Replaced, and Now My Dog Won’t Die

April 2, 2008

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After 5+ years of doing everything in his power to DESTROY BASKETBALL IN NEW YORK, Isiah Thomas’ reign of darkness as general manager of the Knicks is finally over. Holy crap that feels good to say.  The Knicks are and always will be my favorite sports team, and I have stuck with them through thick and thin, but this season in particular has been the greatest test of loyalty I have ever faced in my 14 years as a Knicks fan.  Not only are the Knicks on their way to the first 60-loss season in the history in their storied history, but the amount of  embarrassments suffered by members of the organization on and off the court this year has greatly contributed to an atmosphere in Knicks-Universe that can be described only as PUTRID.  Putrid as in a dead dog carcass infested with colonies of maggots that you walk by on the side of the road but smelled the block before, and upon passing realized it was your dog.  Now imagine that instead of the carcass being on the side of the road so that you can simply hold your breath and walk by it, the carcass is in the middle of a 5×5 concrete cell that you are locked into, seemingly with no hope of escape.  Now imagine that a crazy inmate breaks free from his cell and pulls the latch that opens all the cells in the prison complex that your cell is in.  Your gate opens, and you thrust yourself towards the exit in one great leap..but then you stop short behind the the steel gate and latch onto the bars, unconsciously clinching them with all of your might, your body trembling as you try to come to terms with the decision your heart has already made for you…that you love that God-forsaken dog and you would never leave it, even though you could, even though the other selfish opportunistic inmates encourage you to do so and chide you as a fool for not running away and being a Nets fan while you had the chance.  Then they all run away, leaving you to wallow in your misery, knowing that, open gates or not, you never seriously thought about trying to escape…but then suddenly you close your eyes and push back the tears that have welled up by remembering that you never really wanted to, because you LOVE that freaking dog. You love it, Goddamit, and you don’t care who knows it, and it may stink all to be damned and make your skin crawl at the very sight of it, but you still can’t imagine yourself going anywhere without it.

Well, the Knicks were that dog, and I, along with the 12 other true DIEHARD Knicks fans remaining in the world, was that inmate.  The other inmates encouraging you to leave were the parasitic band-wagon-jumping fake Knicks fans who double as your friends in between games. Isiah Thomas was the flesh eating virus that was tearing the dog apart. Jim Dolan, the idiot owner of the Knicks, was the evil corrupted psycho veterinarian that injected the virus into the dog, and gave the virus a CONTRACT EXTENSION last year so that it could do even more damage. isiah-spoof.jpg

I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about Donnie Walsh, Thomas’ replacement, by hailing him as some kind of messiah who can resurrect the Knicks from the dead… I dunno, maybe he’ll be like the blonde cheerleader from Heroes who has the ability to heal herself, and Donnie could give the Knicks some of his super-healing blood and help resuscitate the franchise (I think that’s a more fair comparison..the cheerleader is pretty, but I still think Jesus is more impressive – raising the dead ain’t as easy as it sounds).

heroes-cheerleader1.jpgjesus-saves.jpg

Here is a very quick completely unresearched regurgitation of why Isiah Thomas was the most horrible GM in the history not just of GMs but rather in the history of all living organisms:

-the Jared Jeffries contract

-the Malik Rose trade

-the Tim Thomas trade (KVH had less years left..i think)

-being the only GM in the NBA dumb enough to trade for Jalen Rose, giving up a huge expiring contract in the process, only to promptly WAIVE HIM and eat almost the entire contract when it itself was about to expire and provide a huge trading chip (!!!!!)

-acquiring Marbury and Hardaway only cuz Thomas saw himself in Marbury…then trading the HUGE expiring contract of Penny Hardaway for STEVE FRANCIS’ HUGE contract…then later trading Steve Francis’ HUGE EXPIRING contract for Zach Randolph’s HUGE long-term contract (!!!!)

-giving up great draft pics for Eddy Curry, who Isiah doesn’t even give minutes to anymore

-Hiring Larry Brown and giving him the richest coaching contract in the NBA. He was terrible fit for the Knicks and for Thomas, as Brown has a short fuse and needed to have total roster control, which Thomas would never be willing to relinquish, and subsequently firing Brown for a bullshit contract violation and but paying him most of the money anyway, as ruled by an arbitrator.

-The Anucha Brown Sanders sexual harassment trial (“all I did was put my arms around her and ask her for a kiss, and then she pushed me away and I said, what ‘Nuche, no love?”  What a jerk.)

-the planned attack on Carmelo Anthony that resulted in a brawl and several lengthy suspensions.  It was symbolic of Thomas’ dirty style of play as a former player the lack of integrity he exhibits as a person, and set a horrible example for a team loaded with rookies who worshipped him.

-the JEROME JAMES signing. (I just threw up a little)

jerome-james.jpg Stop staring at me, you slow, chunky bastard.

 The crazy thing is I probably forgot at least 10 other huge bonehead moves.  Donnie Walsh will exhibit the fiscal responsibility Thomas had absolutely no regard for and implement a long-term, team-oriented philosophy rather than go after the biggest name on the market every season.  And unless Jim Dolan gets in the way, Walsh will also relieve Thomas of his responsibilities as coach of the Knicks, and then file a restraining order stating that Isiah Thomas must remain at a distance from the Knicks that is no closer to New York than the great sovereign nation of Tibet, in the hopes that Thomas will not know that Tibet is not a sovereign nation and will thus wander in search of it even farther east and into China, where he will ask a Chinese politician for directions to the great sovereign nation of Tibet and subsequently be arrested and subjected to Chinese Water Torture (this video is funny because I think having to hang out with those girls is actually worse than real Chinese Water Torture), and since the media in China is censored it will never make it onto Google and the world will forget about Thomas and years he tried to destroy the Knicks.

I think I just saw my dog open his eyes.  

I am proud to say that I stayed behind to be there when it did.

Let’s go Knicks!

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